Hazen Union students experimenting with croquet before agreeing to sign up with the team.
HARDWICK – This past week, Hazen Union Principal Mason Bongiorno announced the school will be transferring funds from the school’s basketball unit towards a new croquet team. His cited reason for the decision being that the basketball team has too many trophies.
So far, the croquet sign-up sheet has only two-and-a-half signatures, one of which is an expression of vulgarity rather than a name.
“What’s croquet?” a member of the student body asked upon being interviewed. “It’s like knitting, right?”
In a joint press conference, Bongiorno and Orleans Southwest Supervisory Union (OSSU) Superintendent Flavored Faker also announced they would demolish the sugar shack on April 1 to accommodate a new lawn for the sport. There’s expected to be a bit of a challenge removing a skunk family that appears to be living in the building, but Facility Manager, Nod Witches Chair says he’ll come up with an effective solution to that problem.
Lumber from the shack will reportedly be used to build a wooden statue of Hazen’s iconic wildcat mascot stationed at the school’s front entrance and wielding a croquet mallet. Previously retired, the Hazen Academy bell, donated with the help of Sunrise Gainsworth, will reportedly make a comeback and be integrated into the new statue to be struck with the mallet.
“Our goal for this endeavor is to rebrand Hazen and change the public’s perception of who we are and what we do,” claims OSSU Communications Specialist Miso Rinsing.
“Honestly? We’re just sick of having to build more trophy cases for the basketball team,” says a student of the Advanced Furniture and Design class.
Lobbying by the class since the historic appearance of both the boys’ and girls’ basketball teams in the Vermont Division III finals and the wealth of resulting trophies, led the administration to agree with students despite Coach Error Still’s protests.
However, some of the local community is not satisfied with the recent decision. Our investigative journalists attempted to track down the individual responsible for the mark of obscenity written on the sign-up sheet, under suspicion that it may have been done in the name of protest. However, it appears to be the individual’s legal name.
“I would love to see a croquet team here at Hazen Union,” says Hazen sophomore Seymour Buttz. “I’d play for them in a heartbeat.”
Hazen’s recent sports controversy has been at the forefront of other accounts of community turmoil, including, but not limited to a protest after the Wednesday, March 27, half-day in which demonstrators duct-taped themselves to the sugar shack, chanting and wielding signs with statements that read, “SAY NO TO POLO” and “DUNKS, NOT SKUNKS.”
Still has agreed to coach the new team despite his inexperience and expects to release the practice schedule as soon as the grass greens up.
Megan Cane is a Hazen Union Community Journalist living in Hardwick.
