MARSHFIELD – The overwhelming success of Marshfield’s Sunday Town meeting has convinced owners of the Marshfield Village Store to begin opening only on Sunday beginning after April 1. U.S. Postal service approval has been received for the post office, now serving both Marshfield and Cabot to open only on Sunday[Read More…]
April Fool’s
FEMA Funds Fuel Expanding Chronicle as Fire Dept. Needs Nixed
CABOT – The select board has crafted a plan to use FEMA funds intended for a new fire station for unauthorized purposes. It is expected to help improve the lives of Cabot residents in ways that FEMA funding won’t allow. A Cabot Chronicle World Headquarters will be built in the[Read More…]
Governor Issues Eclipse Alert
MONTPELIER, PLAINFIElD – Vermont Emergency Management (VEM) advises all Vermonters to stay inside, turn off all lights and close their shades and curtains on Monday, April 8, for the eclipse of the century. Governor Scott, emphasizing the critical importance of attracting tourists to the state, asked Vermonters to stay off[Read More…]
Civic Standard’s Subversive Plan Revealed
HARDWICK – The Civic Standard’s diabolical motives have been discovered by undercover Gazette reporters. Over the last month, while wearing scuba gear and heavily insulated wetsuits to survive the Lamoille’s wintery waters, highly trained Gazette operatives waded upriver from Jackson Dam under cover of darkness and listened in on secret[Read More…]
Sterling Pivots to Put the Farm in Big Pharma
CRAFTSBURY COMMON – Sterling College Trustees have approved a plan to pivot from their 100% environmental focus to a new emphasis on putting the farm in big pharma. The announcement, thanking donors to the recently completed capital campaign, acknowledged receipt of $14 million from Monsanto and $3 billion from the[Read More…]
Pothole Fishing Derby Nets World Record Perch
HARDWICK/GREENSBORO – Jeff Montgomery announced a very successful first annual Center Road Fishing Derby, made possible by the summer’s flooding that flushed millions of smaller fish from Caspian Lake into Center Road potholes, where they’ve been able to grow to incredible size with little competition in the hundreds of potholes.[Read More…]
Hazen Basketball Team Defunded to Make Way for New Croquet Team
HARDWICK – This past week, Hazen Union Principal Mason Bongiorno announced the school will be transferring funds from the school’s basketball unit towards a new croquet team. His cited reason for the decision being that the basketball team has too many trophies. So far, the croquet sign-up sheet has only[Read More…]
Gazette Cash Surplus Allows Drone-Based AI Coverage
HARDWICK — The Hardwick Gazette Editor Paul Fixx, says he can no longer shop or eat in Hardwick area establishments because it seems like everyone in town wants to tell him what he’s doing wrong. Fixx finally drove to Morrisville last week where he was able to stock up on[Read More…]
War Plunder Unearthed in Cabot
CABOT – Artifacts taken from the 1759 raid on the Jesuit mission at the Indian settlement of St. Francis in Quebec, have been discovered in an undisclosed location in south Cabot. The location remains anonymous to prevent looting. A human skeleton was also unearthed near the artifacts, with metal remnants[Read More…]
The Town That Mispeling Saved
HARDWICK – In the quaint little town of Hardwick lives a notorious spell-checker named Sandy Atkins. Sandy is the self-proclaimed guardian of grammatical correctness in Hardwick. She takes her job very seriously. She is often seen prowling the streets with her red pen at the ready, poised to correct any[Read More…]
