GREENSBORO – Who doesn’t feel anger? It is one of the emotions that we get to explore as humans. I have been feeling a lot of anger and rage lately. Some of this is triggered by what is happening in the larger world, and some arises from my personal life. Sometimes I slip and express my anger outwards. Sometimes I’m able to apologize when I slip. To apologize takes courage. To say I am sorry for expressing my anger is, for me, an act that comes from a deeper place than being triggered by my usual reactive patterns.
This work I’m trying to do is to look into that place where the anger/rage/extreme discomfort comes from. I know for me, it goes back to when I was a child. And I have experienced that it goes back even farther, to what some people refer to as generational trauma.
Spewing this reactiveness outwards is quite common and is easier to do. We play the “us vs. them” game. We convince ourselves, “It’s their fault, they are wrong.” It takes work to look within and do some exploring, excavating really. It takes courage to do this inner work. It also takes a lot of support. Real support. Having someone, and hopefully more than one person, who can, and will be there with you as you dive deep; someone who will not judge, will not try to fix, who has enough of themselves so they can really be with you.
There’s an expression, “When you point a finger, three are pointing back at you.” When I find myself slipping, and notice myself pointing that reactive finger, getting angry, even just irritated at something that I believe is outside me, then a big part of my work is to step back, take a breath and look where those three fingers are pointing: in other words, to myself. I need to be doing my own work of excavating where this irritation, annoyance and anger really originates. I also need to look at what is underneath this anger. For me it is often fear. Fear of what? That warrants more inner work, and more courage.
As I open to these layers below my initial reaction, even below this fear, I often touch into my profound grief and shame that has been hovering/covering over my core. What astounds me even more as I continue to do this ongoing, never ending inner work is that I am just maybe uncovering my true core which, heaven forbid, might be joy.
When feelings of anger come up, what if I just admit that beneath my first reactive response, I might be feeling fear and under that also grief.
How would that change things?
Dropping down and acknowledging my fear, opens the possibility of a real conversation.
The conversation might just be with myself, but it also could include the person who triggered my anger. What a concept! Instead of being reactive, and instead of pointing that accusatory finger outwards, I have a choice to enter into a dialogue with them by acknowledging that for example in this case, I have fear and deep grief.
This could just be an inner dialogue, which is really important. But equally essential, both in the larger world and in our local community, is to have the courage to enter into real conversation and dialogue. We need to be face-to-face, not pointing the finger and speaking from a place deeper than our anger. This is what I believe it means to practice being in community.
This will take courage.
What does courage mean? Brené Brown has pointed out that “The root of the word courage is from ‘cor’ the Latin word for heart.” Having courage, then, means living from and speaking from the heart. And, conversely, it also implies that living and speaking from the heart requires courage. I hope we can find it in our hearts to do more of this work of not blaming and spewing anger all around. It will take tenderness, vulnerability, compassion and a willingness to engage in genuine listening.
I am wanting, and trying, to do this work.
Will you join me?
