WASHINGTON, D.C. – #821,205 – I am officially changing my last name to the original spelling in German, which has an D at the beginning and an f at the end, namely Drumpf
#208,566 – From now on, Federal aid of any kind will only go to Red States, nothing will be given to Blue States that voted against me in the 2024 election.
#413,829 – I can bomb anyone anywhere in the world.
#326,507 – I am hereby covered by the Doctrine of Infallibility and therefore anyone who questions me is a heretic and will be dealt with appropriately by the Grand Inquisitor.
#610,748 – The Attorney General of the United States will be renamed the Grand Inquisitor.
#703,962 – The Moon will become the 57th state, after Israel, El Salvador, North Korea, Russia, Qatar and South Sudan (see previous installments of Faux Gnus).
#379,095 – No Drumpf companies or properties will have to pay any Federal, State or local taxes.
#230,416 – The rumor that I have heart cancer from excessive hating is fake news.
#903,721 – The Library of Congress will be destroyed and be replaced by the Drumpf Presidential library, which will only consist of books I have written: “Mein Life,” “The Art of the Steal and Multiple Bankruptcies for Fun and Profit,” plus the Federalist Society’s “2025 Project.”
#730,981 – I will sue the Pope for 500 billion dollars because he said bad things about me.
#379,180 – Hungary will become the 58th state.
#531,963 – Ban the teaching of history and science in all schools and colleges.
#792,156 – “States Rights” applies only to right wing Red States but not to liberal Blue States.
#127,593 – My son, whatever his name is, will inherit the throne, in the unlikely event that I should ever die.
#991,003 – Kidnapping and disappearances without trial of anyone by Federal agents is now perfectly legal.
#906,85 – The report that I had surgery for foot-in-mouth disease is a hoax and whoever started it will be deported.
#813,270 – Greenland will become the 59th state.
#511,972 – For the Piecemeal (sic) plan between Israel and Hamas, Gaza will be turned into the World’s Largest Golf Course, with 20 million holes, run by the Drumpf Corporation. Any people that may be left there will serve (involuntarily) as caddies.
#179,035 – I am establishing a new religion so people can worship me, called Drumpfinanity, and I will tear down the west wing of The White (Only) House in order to build a chapel dedicated to me.
#902,175 – I can arrest anyone who opposes me and charge them with domestic terrorism.
#380,574 – I am giving myself the Ignoble Peace (sic) Prize for having supplied the bombs that killed tens of thousands of people in Gaza.
#513,924 – Venezuela will become the 60th state.
Brought to you by the Cowardly Enablers for Drumpf, Starve the Children Foundation, Cheerleaders for Fascism, MegaloManiacs for Drumpf and the White Makes Right Foundation.
Remember: Satire is fighting insanity with absurdity.
David K. Rodgers
David K. Rodgers is a writer, mason and card carrying dilettante, who dabbles and babbles in art. He has lived in East Craftsbury for the past 40 years.
